Holiday, abit of freetime and well needed rest.
this train is moving on bubbly discontent, mood swings and Turkish Pepper Milkshakes. not to mention the recent detachment from reality. but things aren't bad, on the contrary they're quite good. nay, I KNOW they're good. despite knowing that I've been coming down with something awfully strange. sadistic fantasies has been on an all time high, aswell as my brain being tired of always creating and sustaining a sphere of escapism for me.
however, I maintain a perfectly swell and balanced act towards others, partially bitter but always topped with a sugary smile.
perhaps the inner dialogues becoming overwhelming?  

my "special" friend is good though, the thought of her is a soothing cover, but not soothing enough. my fault though, not hers. it's just me biking on a one wheeled cucumber alone.

anyways, as a reaction towards my extremely self analytic personas conclusion I've been trying to keep things simple and positive. probably sounds very silly. but it's important to me to remain happy and remain with my head on the ground. it's like walking on a thin pole trying to balance things, only on this pole you were already screwed from the start, and so every wager and attempt at keeping things straight is a damn risk you'd consider and debate with yourself abit too much until you don't do anything at all. because any risk that might make things worse is not a game I want to roll my dices in right now.

my current state is not a good premise for any and all possible events. BUT, it's hard. and yes, thank you, I know nothing is simple. but it's hard when you can't explain your mentality going haywire on you. and your "common morals" being buried under a grin of silly, angry, ideas.

Suggestions?
enough of that, I need a book or any kind funky inspirational hoohaw you can swing your weight around with and knock someone out. in other words: something fluffed with anti migraine sugary delight. or, well you get the point you fancy webastards. suggestions?

and oh yes, the title of this journal... mmh. I kicked a hole through my rock wall. it seems I had managed to crack the rock behind the pink painted paper thing and the final blow ultimatly cracked a hole in the wall. hah..hahaha. OOF shit. making damage means I got me some fixing to do. my horizon has one (or seven) too many migraines with an ill will towards me already.
the importance my beliefs have forced onto different aspects of my regular living situation are abit... gone. which is very fucking bad as it decreases my will and irregular desire for the uncommon, the thing that drives this boys car.

concerning drawing, I've been trying hard to adapt to the concept of work. if this is what I want to do then I need to be able to do it without entirely becoming a tool like certain people I dislike. but by loosing my high goals I'm not sure how far my fuel is going to take me these days. there's no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't make it, I've always tried hard and through rough hard hitting rain. but to be content with my own, and what I create in the end is the real beef of my life. wether in the terms of nice drawerings or life overall. the emotional sadist in me isn't ever a good sign. strife.

bah. this is what journals are made for right. hah.
I'll be a more cheerful and happy chap in the future, hopefully. otherwise there's a chance I might bite the neck off the sonovabitch, should I find myself with my worth decreased and hence nothing worthy to loose. seriously who reads/writes this kind of bullshit haha., mmh.   

stay happy you slick cats//
vidar

the end.